It’s a liar, it’s a thief
A storm is brewing
I can feel it, smell it
the sun is hidden
despite weather forecasts
Darkness has arrived like a familiar old friend
it tears her from my arms
I helplessly watch her tender heart suffer unjustly
as I’m replaced by distraction’s sharp edge
I witness her self-hate resurrect
then am forcibly turned from view of her undeserving shame
I refuse to retreat
I will fight these unseen demons
protect her from these unwelcome invaders
I struggle to maintain balance as I sympathize without surrendering
It tries to steal her from me
insisting I will survive
It’s a liar, it’s a thief
she is me and I am her
we are one
we cannot exist apart
nor can we perish together
We will endure forever
Run In Such A Way
I didn’t really do New Years Resolutions this year, but ginni and I did decide to run a marathon in April. I’m also giving up sodas for the duration of the training (although that is mostly out of necessity, if I actually want to finish with a half-decent time – which I do). My original goal with this race was to qualify for the Boston Marathon. For those of you that do not know, I ran my last marathon in 2004 and finished with a time of around 4 hrs 16 min. To qualify for the Boston, being in the age group of 18-34, I must finish in under 3 hrs 10 min. That means I must cut off over an hour from my last marathon and average 7:15 per mile. We’re in our third week of training and I’m struggled to run 8 miles on Saturday at around 10 min/mile. If my body doesn’t start shaping up, I’m gonna have to try to run another marathon in December (with my dad) to qualify for the Boston. We’ll see how it goes.
I went online the other day to look at my credit score, just out of curiosity. It reminded me of how far I’ve come with financial responsibility. I’m not sure why God gave me the job I have now, making the money I’m making and having a family to take care of like I do. When He gave me little ($7 / hr at PetSmart, all the way through $12 / hr at Frankenstein), I squandered it. I maxed out credit cards, paid rent late on a regular basis, and saved absolutely nothing. I took the one coin He gave me and gambled it away. Luckily for me, He entrusted me with more – and I learned. I’m still learning, in fact. I recently discovered www.Mint.com; it’s a great (and free!) budgeting tool. ginni and I are able to make sure we are saving plenty, and giving plenty, without getting behind on bills or going hungry. And even with all that, I still get to play XBox or spontaneously buy Imma a new toy or whatever else, pretty much whenever I want to. The sun is shining down on me so far in 2010, so I say “Blessed be Your name.”
I Can’t Help It – I’m In Love
- She is obsessed with LIFE cereal.
- She absolutely adores cute animals.
- She’s, well, gorgeous.
- Twizzlers comfort her.
- She enjoys working on her ever-growing list of Name Songs.
- She accepts and loves me for who I am, not who I could become.
- Her mix CDs are awesome and she loves making them.
- She not only puts up with my obsession with sports (namely college football), she has made an effort to share in it.
- She sings when she’s happy.
- Her piano playing skills are beyond impressive.
- She’s a patient, understanding, and very effective teacher.
- If someone she loves is hurting, she puts her own problems aside to be there for them.
- She pushes me to be the man I want to be.
- Her kisses make everything better.
- She’s an incredible writer with a creative mind and high standards for herself.
- Dachshunds make her happy.
- Her clothing style is eccentric and she is proud of that.
- She encourages me when I’m struggling in my spiritual life, even if she is struggling, too.
- She reminds me every day that some things do last forever.
- Her taste in music has opened me up to songs I never would have heard without her.
- Scrubs and 24 are her favorite shows, too.
- She is incredible at quoting movies, songs, tv shows, or friends and family.
- Journaling is a part of her daily life and has been for 8 years or so.
- She doesn’t like many different kinds of foods, but she knows what she does like.
- She can lick her elbow and her nose.
- Normal names won’t suffice for her – she wants to (someday) name our daughter “Story.”
- She gives me hope for the future.
- Her online stalker skillz are crazy good.
- She loves looking at other people’s wedding pictures.
- She’s read every journal entry I’ve ever written and continues to look for ways to find out more about me.
- Her love for God is persistent. No matter what happens, no matter how much trouble seeps into our lives, how much doubt creeps into our minds, she continues to love Him.
- And the reason I fell in love with her in the first place: she has such a big heart. I cannot express here how much joy and sorrow she has felt for others. She loves until it hurts.
Why am I a Christian?
A friend of mine asked me recently, “Why are you Christian?” This was my response:
I can’t really say I’ve taken the time to answer that question, even to myself, in a long, long time. While I can’t argue that growing up in church definitely played a pretty big role, that isn’t the entire answer. No, I have evaluated my beliefs enough since childhood to know that I’m not a Christian because that’s what I was taught. I guess I’d have to start with a simpler question in order to answer this: Why do I believe there is a god at all? I probably couldn’t win a debate on the topic, but I can’t believe that there can be a creation without a creator. If life is ever created from anything other than life, I’ll have to reconsider this. But for now, I have to believe that a god that was able to create life from nothing exists because no other answer makes sense to me.
But why the Christian God? Part of it is that I want to believe in a personal god – one that cares about me specifically and is involved in my life every moment of every day. But that’s not enough by itself. I don’t believe in things just because that’s what I want to be true. That is what I see in the world and in my life, though, and that is how the bible describes God. He is just, yet merciful. He is powerful, yet gentle. He is love – in so many ways, He is love. I think that’s the aspect of God that I see most clearly in my personal life. The more I come to love others and be loved, the more I see the character of God. I love my wife with everything I have and everything I am. I love her unconditionally – there is nothing she or anybody else could do or say that would change my love for her. I can go on trying to describe this love, but whatever description I give will remain inadequate. This is what I feel describing God is like. This love I have for ginni is only a shadow of God’s love. But that shadow proves to me that the sunshine (God’s love) exists.
I could go on about the logic and reason that just makes sense to me, about sin and sacrifice and salvation. I could talk about the validity of the bible and how many original manuscripts there are that confirm the authenticity of the original writings. And while those things, among so many others, are very important and help confirm my beliefs, they do not make them. I did not decide to become a Christian based on scientific evidence or because someone told me that the bible is true.
Why am I a Christian?
Because I know that a god must exist or this world would not.
Because if a god does exist, then I must believe He left a mark on this world.
Because I see that mark, through love. So He must be a loving God.
Because I know that I am evil (deep down in my core, I know how bad I am, even if I don’t let anyone else see it).
Because my evil nature should keep me from being with Him. I don’t deserve it, not even close.
Because He has mercy on me, mercy that I need so badly.
Because He loves me, all of me.
Leadership and Priorities
I’ve recently been assigned Team Leader of the Setup Team at church. I am looking forward to this for many reasons. I love having a leadership position of some sort and feel like something is missing if I go too long without one. It means a lot to me that I would be selected for this position. I am feeling more and more a part of this church, and this just adds to that. Most of all, though, I’ve always felt like I grow the most when I am leading others. From as far back as being President of my Youth Group my senior year of high school to as recent as doing Sunday School lessons last winter for Woodcreek, I have consistently been more motivated to seek God and grow spiritually when I am leading and teaching others. Maybe it has to do with others relying on me or not wanting to be hypocritical. Regardless of the reason, I am looking forward to having that added motivation to my recently-lacking spiritual growth.
On a semi-related note, another thing that has been on my mind lately is priorities. I have asked ginni to help me spend my time in a way that actually reflects the things that are important to me. Some of the changes I’m making are to go to bed a little earlier and read (a book, some of ginni’s old journals that I’ve been meaning to read for way too long, the Bible). Also, getting up early a few times a week and running. Running is a passion of mine, but you wouldn’t know it based on the fact that I hadn’t run for 5 months until last Friday. I am determined to make changes in my life so that you can tell what is important to me based on how I live my life, not just what I say.
Can vs. Will
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
-Hebrews 11:1
I’ve been struggling with the meaning of “faith” lately. Obviously, Hebrews 11 provides me with a pretty simple definition, but it gets more complicated when I go to apply it. This has been a particular struggle in relation to healing. For example, I have absolutely no doubt that God is able to heal – there is no struggle there. I have full faith that the God I cannot see can perform miraculous acts in my life and the life of those that I love. What I don’t know is what God will do. Am I lacking faith if I pray for healing, but am not certain that He will answer my prayer with a “Yes?”
My instinct is to say that no, God will often answer my prayers with a “No” or a “Not Yet.” But what about “I will do whatever you ask in my name” (John 14:13)? Isn’t there something to the whole “Your faith has healed you” stuff? But what if I pray for healing, believe with all my heart that He will do it, then He doesn’t. Am I lacking in faith? Am I not doing enough? I can’t believe that. I just don’t believe that that is how God works. No. The best I can do is to believe that He has the power, ask Him to heal me, and believe that He is in control and will get me through it one way or another.
Evangelism, Without the Connotations
My pastor said something in his sermon this week (and a few weeks ago) that has really stuck with me. He was going through the story of the Samaritan woman and pointed out what may very well be the most basic example of evangelism. In verse 29, the woman says:
Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did.
Forget what you know about evangelism (the preacher on the street corner, the tracts handed out at the mall, going door to door through a neighborhood). It all boils down to telling what Christ has done for you and inviting them to meet Him. I am not denouncing those methods I mentioned as wrong (they very well could be doing exactly what I just said evangelism is!), but that often the motivation behind evangelism is not where it should be. My goal isn’t to be able to tell my friends how many people I’ve saved, or to pass out more tracts than you. It is to tell others about Christ because if He can do such wonderous things in my life, why wouldn’t I want everyone I meet to know Him, too?
Evangelism has a lot of negative connotations in our post-Christian world, but it doesn’t have to. Imagine someone was giving out a free product that cleaned your entire home for you. You take it and it works better than advertised. Wouldn’t you tell everyone you know to get one for themselves? Would you be afraid of offending them, or would you tell them the story of what it did for you and where they can get one?
Now, if only I can take this and apply it…
A Husband’s Responsibility to Grow Spiritually
I’ve been married for 12 entire days now. As I adjust to living with ginni and married life in general, I am learning that every part of my life has been affected by our marriage. Spiritually, I’ve kinda just been on cruise control lately. And not the reading-my-bible-every-day-out-of-habit kind of cruise control. The if-I-don’t-think-about-it-then-I-won’t-feel-bad-for-not-doing-anything kind. I realized yesterday that this must change. I can’t be content with complacency. I must find the motivation to grow – for her. I need to be the husband that I want her to have, and that involves spiritual leadership that I simply cannot provide in the state currently find myself. I must do better.
What does this involve? I’m not completely sure at the moment. But at the very least, I’ve taken the first step of recognizing that I need to grow. I hope I can find some motivation to keep up with spiritual disciplines over a long period of time, but for the time being, I’ve found enough to get started. My wife.
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