I've been gone for 40+ days, so allow me to begin by giving you an overview of what I have been up to lately.

The first weekend of Lent, I drove to Houston on Friday night, left for Dallas in Paul's truck, got some free furniture from my dad in Fort Worth, drove back to Austin Saturday night, unloaded the furniture with some help from my friend, Chris, drove back to Houston Sunday morning, then back to Austin in my car on Sunday night. I was driving for almost 15 hours that weekend. Needless to say I was quite tired by the end of the weekend.

While I was in Dallas, I stopped to see ginni. We went to Chik-fil-A and I ate while she nibbled on some soup. We had a really good conversation about C.S. Lewis while we were there. It was greatness. To contrast the greatness, while driving back to Austin I got rear ended. Paul's tailgate was smashed, but luckily that was just about the extent of the damage (aside from the other guy's car...yikes). Luckily, I was not hurt in any way. Just cold.

The next weekend I drove up to Dallas again. ginni and I got some Long John Silvers and took it down to a bridge near her house. We ate and looked out over the lake and just enjoyed the moment. It was really cool. Then we went back and spend the afternoon with her family until it was time to head out to the Cary Pierce concert. I could probably devote an entire topic of this blog to the concert, but I'll try to keep it brief.

Apparently, the concert was mostly Cary's friends and family. We were sitting next to his grandparents, wife, and mother-in-law. Pretty cool. He sang Unfailing Love, which was awesome. AND he played the opening notes to a Steven Curtis Chapman song. You'll have to listen to the concert if you want to hear it (Download it here). He puts on an incredible show. It was a very memorable experience.

The next weekend I drove to DFW AGAIN. This time it was for Eric's surprise birthday party. It was really fun and he was genuinely surprised. We had a craps table and a blackjack table, complete with dealers and everything. On the Border catered it, so we had good food to go along with the fun. I had a blast even though I lost all of my play money. :-P

I got up the next morning and drove to Fate, Texas where ginni goes to church. It was very cool to visit her church and to see her help lead worship. If I lived in that area, I would probably consider making that my home church. I hope I can find one like that here in Austin. The Austin Stone is wonderful, but I don't feel connected there, so I'm looking at finding a new church. We ate at an Italian restaurant - mooey bueno - and spent the afternoon playing games and just hanging out with her family.

The next weekend I actually stayed in Austin. I went to Cat's house where she had some people over for her birthday. We mostly just hung out playing pool and talking and what-not. It was nice to not have to drive anywhere and to get to hang out with friends again.

The following Friday I went down to San Marcos to hang out with Sandie for her birthday. It was cool to hang out with her (briefly, as she spent most of the night in the bathroom...) and Jordan. I learned a couple of new card games and fell asleep watching Constantine - a GREAT movie.

This past weekend was really fun. I didn't really do much Friday and Saturday, but Sunday I drove up to Dallas again. I left Austin around 6:15am and got to ginni's church around 9:45 (the service starts ~10). Afterwards, we went to Wendy's for lunch with her family, then drove out to the Galleria to go ice skating. We had a difficult time finding it, but eventually we made it there. At first I wasn't all that excited about ice skating. I figured it'd be kinda fun, but I was mostly just glad to be spending time with ginni. However, after about 10 minutes of skating I decided that I would have to do it again before too long. It was a lot of fun. Actually, it made me miss hockey. I just wanted a stick and a puck and I would have been happy. (I had ginni though, so I couldn't complain!)

We drove back to Rowlett and went out to a field that had a ton of bluebonnets and had ginni's sister, Nikki, take a bunch of pictures of us. Overall, it was one of the best days I have had in a really long time.

Unfortunately, it was followed by one of the worst days I have had in a really long time, but you'll have to keep reading to find out about that...

During our absence from the internet, ginni and I decided to start a courting relationship. In case you don't know already, ginni is 16. I realize that there is a pretty significant age difference and I haven't taken that lightly. ginni and I both have spent a lot of time thinking and praying about whether being together right now is what is best and - more importantly - in God's Will.

Honestly, I don't exactly look forward to having the "age difference" conversation with each of you. If I have yet to tell you about it, it's because I don't want to hear the same lecture and receive the same advice from everyone I know. You aren't revealing something new to me. I know there is an age difference. But if I thought that this was not the right timing for this relationship, I wouldn't be in it.

I respect the opinions of those that care for me, and I will gladly listen to what you have to say if you still want to tell me. But please keep in mind that I have most likely already considered (many times) anything that you will have to say. My decision to be in this relationship is not likely to be swayed because of the age difference, and I ask that after I hear your opinion, you respect that decision.

Why do I think that the timing is right? Well, my life has been completely transformed over the past few months. I have a totally different outlook on life, as well as motivation to do the things that I haven't been able to do for over a year and a half. Spiritually, I'm growing every day and her encouragement and inspiration has helped give me that drive. She is the one that suggested I give up internet for Lent, and I have spent my time being so much more productive than I would have otherwise. I'm anxious to get back into classes and finish for good. Like I said, I just have a whole new outlook on life. And it's been amazing to watch her grow over the past few months. I can't describe to you the feeling of having God use you to help somebody else, and I can't emphasize enough how proud I am of ginni for coming so far in so little time.

Why now? Why not wait a few years and see if it'll work out then? Because I know that we can glorify God more by being together. Whether it be in each others' lives (doing bible studies together, keeping each other accountable with our struggles, etc) or in the lives of others (volunteering together, raising money for a cause, etc), I feel like there is so much good that will come out of us being together now.

Feel free to share your opinions with me, but please respect my decision, as well. And I hope you can be happy for me, because I'm the happiest I have been in years.

I stayed at my sister's house Sunday night - because she is cool like that - and got up early to go to the doctor. I was running a couple of months ago (training for a marathon, actually) when my foot started hurting. After the whole tumor thing a few years ago, my mom made this appointment for me to make sure everything was okay. Well, after a few months of it not hurting, I wasn't too worried, but figured better safe than sorry, so I made this trip anyway. On Sunday when I was ice skating, my heel started hurting again. That got me kinda worried. So I was a little nervous going into the appointment, but God gave me a reminder that He was with me and that led me to pray for the strength to face whatever news I would hear. I didn't realize how much I was going to need that prayer.

The good news is that there is not tumor in my foot. Not that she can tell, anyway. She wants me to come back in 2 months to make sure, but it's pretty unlikely that it has recurred. The bad news is, as I posted previously, that I may not be able to run anymore. At all. I'm not sure who all reads this, so let me explain. Think about what you would consider you THING. Writing? Music? Dancing? Swimming? What "hobby" do you have that gives you a pleasure that you have trouble putting words to? That's what running is to me. I am a runner. It's a part of my identity, a part of who I am. I've felt that way since high school, and I'm sure I will always feel that way. Being told that I may never run again isn't exactly easy to take.

And I didn't take it well. I proceeded to have a completely miserable day. When I got back to Austin, I ran some errands and cleaned my apartment some, but it seemed that everything that could go wrong did. I was upset, angry, and frustrated. I finally decided to go for a bike ride. While nothing when compared to a good run, I needed to get out and to release some steam.

So I did.

I rode my bike for probably 10+ miles. I took Rundberg to Peyton Gin out to Metric, then took that all the way up to Howard Ln, turned onto Lamar and took that back down to Rundberg. I pushed myself as hard as I could. I rode as far as I possibly could before turning around. I had prepared a new playlist on my ipod before leaving and I am glad that I did. I heard a few songs that had a huge impact on me:

Casting Crowns, Praise You In This Storm
"As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
'I'm with you'
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away"

He gives and takes away...doesn't make it any easier when He takes away, but "even though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm".

Downhere - From Protest To Praise
"So I will cry out, until I go
From Protest to praise
You're always amazing me
You're changing me slow, but surely
And You're gonna see me to the end"

I'm still protesting, but slowly, over time, I'm confident that I will start praising Him for this.

The O.C. Supertones - Wilderness
"Have you ever held in doubt what this life is all about
Have you questioned all these things that seem important to us
Do you really wanna know or are you a little scared
You’re afraid that God is not exactly what you’d have Him be
What should I hold to and what should I do, how do I know if anything’s true
I’m somewhere in between Canaan and Egypt, a place called the wilderness

I’m not one who always trusts their feelings
I don’t believe in what you’d call blind faith

But faith that you can do all that you promised
And you said it all works for good
It’s safe to say I don’t see the big picture
I can’t see the forest for the trees
And if five hundred lives
Were mine to get to know
You all could be spent on just this

God do you really understand what it’s like to be a man
Have You ever felt the weight of loving all the things you Hate
Have You struggled have you worried
How can You sympathize

I have spoken too soon put my hand over my mouth
I can’t contend with You
Your ways are so much higher
And we pass through the fire that
Christ endured before us
When You were in the wilderness"

It's nice to be reminded that He was in the wilderness, too. I may feel lost and I may not understand, but His ways are higher and He's been here before.

The O.C. Supertones - Jury Duty
"Cuz every single moment
whether sleeping or awake
Is your creation
And what you’ve made is good
I don’t always thank you
for the rough days and
The hard times in my life
Even though I should"

Yeah...

Kutless - Changing World
"I need to let go of my destiny
I need to trust in things unseen
I believe in having faith
Though I yield my control

I forgot how quickly things can change
Now my vision can not be the same

My life is not what I thought
I'm not where I planned to be
Though something's gone
There's nothing wrong with my changing world"

I'm so quick to make plans for my future, yet I can never seem to let go of them when He shows me that He has something else in mind. You'd think that I'd have learned by now to trust that He knows best. And yet...

Superchic(k) - It's On
"And though you wanna quit
Don't think you can get through it
You've come too far to walk away
It's not gonna be today
And no matter how you feel
It's what you do that matters
This is your moment to be strong
Today's your day
It's on"

It doesn't matter how I feel, it's what I do that matters. Wow.


Between Changing World and It's On, I returned from my bike ride with a whole new attitude. It sucks, and I'm not quite praising Him for it yet, but I am trying to take my moment to be strong and to trust Him. We'll see how it goes.

(Prayers are MORE than appreciated)

Something I wrote during Lent:

Lord, Your ways are not my own
But I trust You
Lord, You say, 'You are not alone,
For I am with you'

But there are times like now when You can’t be found

And it’s like 40 days out in the desert
Feeling like I’m lost forever
And crying out for You
But in these 40 days I’m going to seek You
With my heart because I believe You
These 40 days

~Mark Schultz, 40 Days



MY VALLEY

There have been times in my life that I would have told you that I was "on fire" for God. I felt His presence everywhere I went. I could feel His Spirit within me, using me as His instrument and teaching me His ways. I like to think of these times in my life as "Mountain Moments". It's as though by being up on a mountain I am somehow closer to Him.

Unfortunately, you cannot have mountains without valleys. My desire to seek Him has disappeared. Nothing about my beliefs have changed, but I can no longer feel His presence in my life. I rationalize sin without thinking twice about it. I seem to stumble and fall at every opportunity. After a while, I'll realize that I must be in a valley, so I'll pray for Him to help me. But nothing changes. I listen to Christian music and read my bible, hoping to inspire some sort of desire for Him. But nothing changes. I go to church and the sermon truly convicts me about how I've been living my life, then I leave with a newfound motivation to change my ways. But nothing changes.

When I'm in these valleys of life, I'd like to think that God is hardening my heart like Pharoah's (Exodus 7:2-5). It makes sense to me. I'm trying to grow and to seek Him, but if He has hardened my heart then nothing I do will make a difference. In that mindset, I feel much less guilty for any wrongdoings I commit. I mean, I tried, right? If this valley is where I'm supposed to be, how can I be held accountable for decisions I make that are affected by that? Right?

The problem with this theory is that I'm shifting all the responsibility off of myself. By supposing that God is keeping me from getting closer to Him, I'm left to believe that one of these days He will stop and I will all of a sudden become close to Him again. I'm trying to put the ball in His court, as though I've done all that I can and I'm just waiting for Him to welcome me. But it doesn't quite work that way. God is waiting for me to return to Him, not the other way around. He looks forward to the day I return and will celebrate when I do! (Luke 15:17-24) God is not keeping me from spiritually growing, I am.

Looking back at my half-hearted efforts to get out of my valley, I realize that I never really tried very hard. I put Christian music on, but didn't want to listen to its message. I read the bible and tried memorizing verses, but didn't stop to think about how those verses applied to my life. It's not that I couldn't change, it's that I didn't want to. I had grown fond of my valley and didn't like feeling guilty about my sins.

When I finally started climbing up the mountain again, it wasn't because God softened my heart. It was because I finally decided that I didn't like that valley so much after all. It just took me awhile to realize it.

Something else I wrote during Lent:

A Familiar Stranger

Darkness overcame me
The sun's been gone for years
The path before me I cannot see
I'm realizing all my fears

I've stumbled many times
Breaking bones and hearts alike
I am guilty of many crimes
My conscious has gone on strike

Wandering aimlessly for so long
I have forgotten how to try
I desire to once again be strong
I dream that someday I'll fly

I hear a voice from the shadows
And realize I am not alone
This familiar stranger's battles
Remind me of my own

The darkness flees as a new day begins
My path has been made clear
I forgive myself for all my sins
And turn to a friend so dear

Thank you for revealing to me
What it is that I need to do
Thank you for inspiring me
And thank you for being you